Thinkers: Thinkers suppose that their rational worldview is identical with how the world is, and that the world itself is rational, and that reality is rational – yet where is it to be proven at all? Supposing it is more the case that rationality and logic are functions of the human brain and that’s all?
We make our way through the world using our faculties for rational thinking and logic, and yet rationality and logic do not exist outside of our mind, it is simply something by which we interpret reality.
Feelers: Feelers suppose that if they have a feeling about something, that’s because there’s something that’s outside them causing it. But again, feelings do not exist outside the individual. If you have a bad feeling about someone or something you ought to look within yourself to see what it is that you don’t like, and then, in not liking, you describe it as bad. Why? Because you identify an uncomfortable feeling as an indication that something is bad; and vice versa, something is good if you feel good about it. But the good and the bad aren’t in an external thing, they’re inside the human mind.
ATTACK MODES
IF YOU’RE A FEELER
When you feel irritated by a thinker, you go straight for the jugular – an emotional put-down that’s aimed at belittling or humiliating or embarrassing the person, and yet has nothing to do with explaining why you do that. Your purpose is to make the other person feel bad, to hurt them. Your own “bad feeling” is rationale enough for attacking, and hurting the other is punishment enough for them. Reason and logic doesn’t come into it. And the emotional barbs do hurt, which is what you wanted – payback.
IF YOU’RE A THINKER
When you are irritated by a feeler, you get back at the other by arguing and winning a point. Yet winning the argument has nothing to do with what the feeler is reacting to in the first place. It doesn’t help the other person to deal with the emotion that was causing the problem, which was a real event that you haven’t recognised. It only wounds them. And the dismissal of the other person’s emotional feelings with rational processes does hurt, which is probably what you wanted too – payback.
GOOD NEWS
Ok, so feelers like touchy-feely sorts of groups, classes, and teachers… while thinkers like precise and clinical explanations and teachings, and classes and teachers who can provide it. Is there a simple solution for both? Well, yes! Try validation!! Thinker validates the other’s emotional response, feeler acknowledges the rational insight of the other.
VALIDATION MIGHT GO SOMETHING LIKE THIS:
THINKER TO FEELER: I’m sorry that you’re feeling a bit upset…
FEELER TO THINKER: Thanks. I feel that you haven’t understood why I’m upset – I feel that you make out that I’m not as good or as smart as you. Maybe I’m feeling something you don’t really mean, but you leave me with just the bad feeling.
Thinker: Ah! No, I don’t think that you’re stupid. I think you don’t understand me sometimes.
Feeler: And I feel that you don’t understand me!
Thinker: What can we do then?
Feeler: Well… you could try saying how you feel, sometimes, before you go into what you think.
Thinker: I feel… uncomfortable. I can’t figure out what you want. I’m happy to find out, though.
Feeler: It’s just that, when you give me your opinions, I feel there is no room for me. Your opinion matters more than how I feel. It’s as though you want me to have an intellectual discussion with you, and I feel bored.
Thinker: I feel sorry it’s is like that for you. I feel sorry for myself, too, because it’s frustrating. It’s as though you don’t care about me, really.
Feeler: Hey, that’s just what I’ve been feeling!!
Thinker: Well, what can we do about it? I do care for you, and for your feelings. It’s just that sometimes, I don’t understand where your feelings are coming from.
Feeler: I feel loving and caring for you, too. It is harder for me to care about your opinions, because they seem a bit unrelated to me or the real world. Can I say something that you might not like?
Thinker: Hmm… ok…
Feeler: Thoughts are only neurons firing off. But I feel that you use them to make me feel stupid and that you are the judge and jury of the world.
Thinker:: Hey, that’s hurtful!
Feeler: See? Why not say, “ I feel hurt when you say that”. If you say, “That is” hurtful, why should I care? It doesn’t seem related to you or me. It feels external to me and what I am feeling.
Thinker: Hmm. Ok, I feel hurt when you diminish rationality.
Feeler: That feels more like a payback.
Thinker: Hang on… now I’m beginning to feel manipulated and that you see me as stupid.
Feeler: That is sounding like feeling…
Thinker: I’m certainly feeling something now. I do feel like avoiding you at the moment.
Feeler: I have that feeling too! Of wanting to get away from someone else’s feelings. More often, I want to get away from their endless thoughts, though.
Thinker: Maybe there is a solution? What should I do when you reply to me (not now, but other times) with an emotional put down instead of a reasoning process?
Feeler: Hmm… you could say I’ve hurt your feelings.
Thinker: You might say, “Good!” – glad that you’d have hurt my feelings. Your emotional putdowns always feel spiteful, you know.
Feeler: Hmm… That could be true, some of the time, but not always. I’m sorry if I reply with a put down. I’m just reacting to when I feel you are looking down on me.
Thinker: Never!! I just feel perplexed by your responses some of the time.